The Answer to the Question that Hasn't Been Asked

sitting on a ledge
legs swinging to tap out the beat
of confusion and pain
and I see you on the other
side of this chasm
back turned towards me
though this is nothing to do with me
wish I could finish this bridge that we started
but the pieces we valued seem to fall through
and break
my mind gets worse, most every sentence broken down
rearranged before understood
I'm exhausted from this circus of thought
but I will gladly shoulder any speech you would hand me
Arm stretches out,
trying to help you
wanting you to know how endlessly I love you
Its always autumn that causes the fall
know this and treasure our summer
but like the 1950's husband
you leave me in my home
mind only on business
I take the dishes and throw them off my ledge
watch them fall
wonder when they'll shatter

they say it comes in three
so i wait, my heart bumping into my ribs
with the horrid anticipation
the eye is captivated when it rains
how a single rain drop joining the lake
affects everything
movement awakening each molecule to the newness
and the weight in my heart feels as if it could drown me
because I realize that just as a drop adds to the depth
and beauty of the water
eventually another will evaporate, return from where it came
the first shocked me with ferocity
and my careless hands burned against the heat of the pain
it is the sinless that never drop
my body seizes itself in the memory
and I wait for the rise of the call
I sit, watch the flower that had begun to uncurl its clasped petals
hour after moment pass
find myself wishing I was more numb than I am
the idea of twelve hours runs rampant in my mind
the amount one can accomplish in that gasp of time
how insufficient a timeline that is
and I stagger back into the mysterious grief
that is not my own
a messenger of joy comes in three
at least, that's what he warned me
were I stronger would I not deplore the loss so?
or would my heart be lost if it didn't grieve
and you already know that you ascended with love all around you
you beautiful stranger to this world
grow in the mysteries of that world
and we will pray

Explanation

What is it that is defitionaly categorized as guilt or blame
In those moments that are snowballing into hours and days
I crave no explanation as my soul seems to cradle the situation
for the mystery of what it is
Only afterwards does my overly analytical self seek absolution
from actions my senses are almost positive are not crimes
and yet those analyzing warps of time like to trace over the
many lines of so many different paths that entered the realm of my possibilities
and I fall into bed with a mind running around in confusion
this is however, everything you are afraid to ask for
no dress-up or practicing of parts needed
no assembly required only a natural sense of being
A glaringly obvious parallel situation to another
I will continue to build up the sand castles knowing full well
their fragile state and not worry about the mess

Guess what guess what guess what!!!

Melon learned how to drive a stick shift!!
It was crazy fun...my new friend jon taught me on his car. how brave! After my first classes we are going back out to practice, this time in a bigger parking lot. I'm excited! Everyone else...you have been warned...

I'm falling faster than I ever remember having before
can't help to think how foolish since I don't know what I'm landing on.
Momentarily wish for the familiar childhood phrase "falling into cotton candy"
to once again be reality
And I think of my childhood and every moment leading up to right now
there are mistakes I have made that lay heavy around me like chains
Though words say "Let no excessive self criticism or any feelings of inadequacy,
inability or experience hinder you or cause you to be afraid." I drown in the weight of my deeds
Others seemingly have no qualms reminding me to wear these chains of pain
What we view as practical seems silly and constrained to me
I dream of transporting myself to an age where jolly ranchers make dreams come true
But in my actuality of being, I instead make wishes on bent pop tops and hard to open film canisters
I get nervous, flustered, discouraged and find a right to feel this in actions that now lie rotting
in forgotten fields
My mind reels at the statement I am refusing to make with my hiccuping words
For a battle that has barely started my body feels unjustly worn and frayed
Quick heart! Fight for yourself and I and wonder where we will land

so what if im a girl?

Sew up your lips,
I'm coming around the corner
Play the man everyone falls into trust with
Be the friend who never fails to say hello
who holds your hand after a bad day
warn me who is about to hurt me for all the wrong reasons
tell me you would never have me decorate your apartment
waste over a year of my time
sailing on a ship built with rotting lies
And then it all rips up
I'm not the girl who puts herself on that shelf
Should have known sooner
Listened to my list of stereotypes
You could've fought harder
to be a man worth knowing
Couldn't you have tried harder
to live up to the words you spoke?
And I feel just a little too numb
the question floats to my mind
what does my gender have to do with simply being a friend?

tagged by my brotha

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME.

1. I met one of my oldest dearest friends at my brothers baseball game...she had My Little Pony ponies...so I had to join in...
   
2. I have a weird puffy scar on my knee I got when I was three or four. I got it at the park after running around in circles after a dog.
   
3. By August 12th I will have moved five times in twelve and a half months.
4. I am known at several coffee shops as that girl that gets a medium sized chai. can you think of a better claim to no where near fame??
   
5. I made a pact towards the end of my freshmen year with my four closest friends that we would go to the island of nantucket for our senior spring break (we weren't interested in the drinking and such scene of most spring breaks, we wanted to do something meaningful ) We promised that even if we weren't friends anymore, we'd all end up there for that spring break...the next winter they were all still friends but I was not...senior year I graduated early...they did not. I do not know if they went to nantucket but i didn't have spring break....so I don't really know...
   
6. I ate too much honey dew melon at Louhelen Baha'i School so that I am now allergic to it. We only ate what was left in the fridge from the sessions and the chef went on a throwing all food out kick so we only had fruit for a while. I ate an entire honey dew melon for dinner one night. My throat gets extremely scratchy when I eat it now and the feeling lasts for the next day or two.
   
7. I have written songs about bathrooms, brushing hair, pasta, coffee, writing songs, israel, among other things...
   

octopus

i was driving along and a truck pulled in front of me. not just any truck, but a cement truck. he started spraying black smoke into the air and immediately i saw the likeness of an octopus. so of course, i felt like a Morre eel trying to hunt the octopus, but the octopus was trying to get away!!


the octopus won.



oh animal planet, how you pervade my life...

Carving

Summing up a full circle
Means breaking it into sectors
And as I struggle to break apart my service
To describe how I have grown
A few choice moments, phrases, colors and actions
Come undone, transforming into clarity.
"A wide latitude for action must be allowed them,
which means that a large margin for mistakes must also be allowed."
After these words shoot through my mind
I am transported from a destitute city
To a college town rich in something I am unsure of

All the while I am carving
Mindfully carving
who I am, what I will decide to be
and the path I will tread to get there.

I am taken, and I melt into a new family
Where the arts are used to show my potential
And I am revived for this next phase of my journey
My singing is resusictated, echoed in the voice of a child
And as I beg for more to be laid on my plate
I receive looks of incredulity, as they already know of my belongings,
5 circles, 2 classes, prayers and talks beside fire

All the while I am carving,
Mindfully carving,
Who I am, what I will decide to be
And the path I am trying to read to get there

While attempting to persuade others I always need to be in motion
I become stagnant with a cracked bone
New parts of myself are built up as I find I need to ask for help, chauffeurs,
Overcome with inactivity I realize this is just another lesson, and a blessing
That the Almighty has placed in my hands to mold as I will
And as the jewled words say
"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be we're all okay, and not to worry
cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless,
wont be idle with despair, I will gather myself around my faith, light the darkness most fear."
I drive into a new home

All the while I am carving,
Mindfully carving
Who I am, what I will decide to be
And the path I am endlessly walking

I my new space there is a battle between ego and sense of service
Others judge and from the look on their face and waning interest
It is clear--what mark could I leave with my simple service?
I almost give in but a friend's words echo the truth
"A woman had a near death experience...went to the Abha Kingdom,
Baha'u'llah asked her what she thought her most important service had ever been.
No pause was needed as she stated her teaching trip across Central America.
Baha'u'allah smiled and asked if she remembered when she helped at a summer event
for autistic children. That that day, when she spoke so kindly to that boy, it was the first time
anyone had been sincerely kind to him. It had touched his soul. That was her greatest service."
I am reminded these ten months are between God and me.
It's a perfect day to be interuppted from thought at Caribou Coffee to be told I'm an
angel,
It's a perfect winter morning to be stopped in my tracks by a woman begging to talk
with me.
It's an extraordinary afternoon to be cut off while reading to be questioned about
my faith.
It's an ideal evening to be stopped because of the language that I speak.

All the while I am carving
Mindfully carving
Who I am, what I will decide to be
And the path I have formed

I look at my hands that have handled all these tests and bounties
And I place the sectors back together but they form a different circle than before
They proudly speak of detachment, perspective, new arenas of paitience,
and the stories of those that touched my heart, and those that I touched in turn
though the latter remian a mystery for the sake of my mind
I understand every moment better than I was scared to think I would
And I look back at my full circle with only love in my heart
"For, as the body of man depends for life upon the rays of the sun,
so cannot the celestial virtues grow in the soul without the raidiance of the Sun of Truth."

And all this while I've been carving,
And I offer you my heart thus far...

Tremendous loss hovers around my soul
I feel it so acutely it might as well have been a slice of my heart
                Do you feel that?
Its the waves of possibilities nearly washing over us
You look at me,
    eyes so intent,
        smile playing on your lips,
            comfort seizing your muscles
I wonder despite your air of ease if your mind is
a crashing space of thought like mine
You are still and your eyes are begging to be met by mine
When they do you read me so completely
                  And against my wishes I look away,
Riddled with confusion as to why
The intimacy of being seen after so long being the servant in the background
You haven't waited till the last moment to let me know I matter
                                                            The challenge
of telling your humble self how you are my year culminating to its end,
to say to you how I tried on innocent fantasies
             so in the deep of night I might survive   
                        I am here
and I consume bits of your essence, ever hungry
for the knowledge of what and who you are
In moments of truth you trick me with kindness to tell you my secrets
I put things simply,
you see them truly.
Panic ensues when I realize the boat is coming into port
Your eyes close,
My heart stops.
You hold me long enough to say goodbye
And that is when I break,
                                      nay,
                                            shatter like ice to the ground
my hands shake as I feel you writing the last sentence in the book
of my year
I am here and I sip away at my nameless loss
                           and realize I am not finished

A Departing Update

My service goals include:
finish book 1 study circle-well...we didn't finish the book as they were too concerned with the fact i was leaving
finish book 2 study circle-finished the book!! now the partcipants are doing home visits weekly! yay!!
finish book 3 study circle-partcipant moved away...
finish book 4 study circle-yes!! finished it!!
do a book 6 intensive-okay, didn't really happen. It was open to people..but no body came...
teach three more children's classes at the Baha'i Center-yes sir!/maam!
go to two more devotionals at Tom's house-did this, they were fantastic...I shall miss them...
go to Rose's fireside three more times-I will dearly dearly miss this...my heart sighs at these fantastic people I will not see on a weekly basis anymore..
have arts and crafts virtue classes three more times- oh man, today was the last one...didn't quite work out as the students moments before I got there decided to play in a mud puddle...instead they took a bath while I shared music with their parents.
have three more junior youth classes-my last one is this friday. I will miss those kids!! I'm making bracelets for them as good-bye gifts! I have to leave my little sister...sigh...
have a few random devotionals- we had one last night and it was great! Tom, Lev, Nicole, Anna and myself were there and then we went to denny's afterwards minus Tom. When we were there we ran into Mike and Rachel. Rachel and I were estatic and ran to each other as earlier that day we thought we had said our last goodbyes.

Other goals, and their likelihood, are as follows:
Arboretum-98% likely-Success!!! Anna and I had a picnic and worked on book 4 here...it was quite lovely..Lev joined us for book 4, Lev pointed out that the arb is more like a tree muesuem.
The Ark-okay, i already went...but I wasn't even living in the Ann Arbor area yet! 92% likely-did not happen...pinball petes and hookah instead...sadly...
Crazy Wisdom-once again, have been here...but would like to go again...90% likely-still a possiblity, we'll see
Kerrytown-89% likely-I kinda drove through it...and I realized as I did that I had been there before...the day the women came off the street to meet me.
Purple Rose Theater-19% likely-yeah, not gonna happen. tickets to that thing are mucho dinero. well. more than i am willing to spend at the moment.
Botanical Gardens- 98% likely-Oh man, it happened but how can I explain how much not like a garden this place was? I swear, it was like being back in Kansas...that's how much praire this place has. Flowers I saw? None. None!! Not even little sprouts threatening to come up. Just long grasses.
Stucchi's-97% likely-Not yet...but I'm not too concerned...
Zingerman's-80% likely-Probably not going to happen
See Joe Reilly's show-98%-twice!!!

T Minus 19 Days

'19 days?' you wonder while reading the title of this post. Yes, 19 days until I retreat from the harsh ever present clouds and wind of Michigan. 19 days until I return to my home in Overland Park Kansas. With so little time left, I need to be using my time wisely.

My service goals include:

• finish book 1 study circle
• finish book 2 study circle
• finish book 2 study circle
• finish book 4 study circle
• do a book 6 intensive
• teach three more children's classes at the Baha'i Center
• go to two more devotionals at Tom's house
• go to Rose's fireside three more times
• have arts and crafts virtue classes three more times
• have three more junior youth classes
  
• have a few random devotionals

Other goals, and their likelihood, are as follows:

• Arboretum-98% likely
• The Ark-okay, i already went...but I wasn't even living in the Ann Arbor area yet! 92% likely
• Crazy Wisdom-once again, have been here...but would like to go again...90% likely
• Kerrytown-89% likely
• Purple Rose Theater-19% likely
• Botanical Gardens- 98% likely
• Stucchi's-97% likely
• Zingerman's-80% likely
• See Joe Reilly's show-98%

It was the Buzz that would not End!

I awake to find myself completely exhausted. It seems I have not been able to have a good nights sleep in months.

But this is no problem, this tiredness, because I have the power of coffee! And the day before I had just purchased said coffee. I drink two cups of joe and head, do yoga for quite some time, make a fruit salad and go to a picnic.

After a couple lazy hours in the sun with friends I realize I am still tired. Not only that but I am going on a home visit at 4 and then have a study circle at 7:00 so I need some sort of energy. Anna and I go to Portofino's Coffee House (I finally found a coffee shop!).

I consume a good amount of coffee there and then am ready for my home visit! And what a visit it was! We started out with dinner, homemade Ethiopian cuisine. Nigsty is very worried about her English so she had her two daughters stay and tell me stories. It was fantastic. Then Nigsty began to roast her own coffee beans, a custom when having guests. We watched a Canadian version of Candid Camera while drinking coffee. Very delicious, very strong.

There were so many different flavors in this small cup. What I didn't know about the custom, as she offered me more, was that after my second cup she would boil the coffee again and then I would have another cup of coffee. When that third cup was done, she would boil the coffee a final time and then serve me one more time. So when I was finished with this fourth cup it was 7 and I was completely wired. I was not aware of this though and said my goodbyes and thank yous and rushed on to my study circle.

The study circle is at Caribou Coffee and my two participants are inside waiting for me. I run in and explain the situation to them. Unfortunately it came out something like this:

"Sorrysomuchiwasatahomevisitanditstheircustomtoservecoffeeandfirstsheroasteditandthenihadfour
cupsbecauseyouhavetoboilitthreetimessoi'mreallysorryiwaslatei'mjustgonnagetsomethingtodrink
butidon'tthinkthati'llhaveanythingwithcaffeinecuzithinki'vehadenoughsorryagaintokeepyouwaiting."

Now, not only my table, but the girl next to us started laughing. I don't mean a few chuckles, i mean, trying to stay on their chairs laughing. They took out cell phones and started filming me. I turned around jumped (according to them) 12 inches in the air and ran the two feet to the counter to order. The barista was highly amused and suggested decaf. I accepted.

When our study circle was over, the participants were worried that my jittery foot would get me in an accident on my way home. I called a friend and we hung out until I chilled out...a lot. I couldn't get to sleep for quite a few hours and then woke up much earlier than I had intended.

At least I made people laugh.

Moving, its my new hobby

That's right. Three moves in seven months! How awesome, and not at all stressful, is that?! Plus, I'm going home really soon...as in two days from now. That's really all I have to say...except that in case anyone is concerned my tail bone is almost all the way healed. Yay!



Neda and me all dressed up during intermission of Respect-a musical written by a Baha'i Dr.

This is when we went to the hookah bar. Ahang & Neda
Char and I attempt to read Ahang's palm

And apparently his palm was really funny...I don't remember why

Then Ahang got on the phone, trying to hurry up his phone conversation, Neda took many photos...

Cast of Characters part 2

Pictures!!

Ahang and Kehan

Rachel and Nima. Rachel proving that Pink might very well rule the world in the game of RISK! (If you can see all the green on the board...yeah, that's me!...surrounded by ahangs pieces...)
Renan, Lev and Nima play Texas Hold'em. The big winner...Nima! Don't believe it? Look at the number of chips that man had!


Yes, that game night was a happy time for all of us...full of friendly vying and nachos, pink and blue armies and baklava, people we knew and strangers...

Ann Arbor, Ikea, and all things new

I live in Ann Arbor now. It is a fun college town with so much to do, talk about a severe contrast to davison/flint michigan. I am going to be moving into Jane's basement. We are converting it to my very own apartment!

SO I went to Ikea for my new stuff! Yay!! I swear that I got a headache as soon as i walked in. But I got some neat stuff for just $75!!!

Alright, there is a new cast of characters.

Jane: The woman I live with! She is a flight attendant for Spirit Airlines and has a daughter named Anya. Jane does dance and lots of art.

Anya: She is 4.5 and is active! She was not sure how she felt about me living with her, but after spending 5 days at Louhelen she came home and let me know that "i missed you. I missed you so much. SOO much." You may call me : Madeline, conquerer of hearts!

Megan: neighbor and confidedant of the jane/anya/madeline family. She is a dance healer and is just a lovely lady!

Mario: Megan's son who is 4.5. He is half persian so I am teaching him some farsi phrases. Anya and Mario are "brother" and "sister" and make sure everyone knows.

Char: Fantastical youth who is going to the University. She and I have many adventures and funnily enough most of those encounters include observing different running styles. We have noticed that running with backpacks is really in vogue.

Ahang: The friend who I go to long lengths for and who does the same for me. These amazing feats include but are not limited to driving someone to the mall at 11:00pm, driving someone to airport at 5:00 am, helping each other move in...you get the idea...i think.

Lev: So happy to find out that he was living here! I met him in Chicago and now we are both living here! Yay! He is the person I meet with to say "i want to serve!!!" and he says "booyah!!" or some such simliar phrase.

Cast of Characters part 2 will be coming once they get developed more.