“The secret of happiness is the determination to be happy always, rather than wait for outer circumstances to make one happy.”

8:00-fall out of bed, throw on some pants and a button up shirt, this is my daily charade of acting like i am dressed for the day. eat food.

9:00-devotions, sit in back so no one will hear me singing.

9:30-go to session, sit in back so no one is disturbed in case i have to leave/work/run errands, usually to target/relax, this means reading and listening to music, possibly doing laundry

12:00-make phone calls to make time go by before lunch

12:15-12:30-lunch, huzzah! time for my gross dandelion tea. maybe we will have the best veggie patties in the world!!!! for serious, so good.

2:30-work/relax (sometimes both)

6:00-dinner! yay for fruit plates and salad.

11:00-dorm, if there is a session i must scurry to room 111B lest i get caught by john or lewylln/hang out with youth

1:00-1:30-go to sleep after talking with Seowah

repeat as needed

cars, bandages, cards, photos, races, runners, planes, towels, dreams, regrets, hopes

Your voice lacked any defintion of tone
yet it called me back into reality
my heart beat for the adventure of reading your name
and my blood rushed to my heart thinking of whispered words
that held so much meaning for a young one's mouth
words that had been waiting to be heard
I drove up to a foregin country that was in my home
for one moment I did exactly as I didn't want to
Proof that I am.
i lay my head down, my eyes barely closed
'you are on the roller coaster' he would have me convinced
everything blurs into to red
and at once i am lost in my self
fingers aching to be united with brushes that will tie into paint that will fall onto canvas
I make do with a reciept and you
and as i write this I can't help but know I have read this before

the server.

i came the closest to luke wilson i think i shall ever come in my entire life. you see i was eating on the plaza with my mom, we went into the classic cup (the one so famous for once serving richard, shea, and caitlin).

our server was none other than luke wilson!!!!!!!!! well, okay, a luke wilson look a like, sound a like, and the like...um...too many likes? oh well.

needless to say our server was pretty intense and hilarious.

Nothing but my mind leaking

someday i wish to hear a quote that has come from your mouth

someday i will tie your shoe and it will stay tied

someday you will drive five and a half hours to see me and it will be just as awkward

once in a while it will feel like i'm on a roller coaster, even when i'm just sitting with you

once in a while you will miss me

i regret you don't have my shoes

i regret that i ripped it up

if anyone ever finds digimon socks, please, send them my way. i love my digimon socks. i would like to love two pairs even more.





quote of the night "it kinda smells like vomit."

after i left the river trembled

You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you.
Heraclitus

After this past weekend I had something all worked out to say to explain how i felt, then i realized i could not translate those thoughts into words.

I played volleyball for the first time in...four years? i forgot how much i love that game.

sarah and i canoed! and were just like these two happy campers, except...ya know, both girls...and we zig-zagged all over the river which made everyone laugh.

We expolred a cave before we ate lunch. It was really dark and very beautiful in a cave like way. As we were getting into our canoe...it slipped away from me and i fell into the water. I wanted a nice swim anyway....

Told not so spooky ghost stories and jokes around a campfire in several different languages. Made good connections all over the map.

Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters.
Norman Maclean

This is it.

Perhaps it was the sun setting on one half of the world to rise on the other side, this past weekend, so pregnant with possibilities, with outcomes.

I arrived at Kansas Baha'i School knowing I would hit the ground running. Literally. As soon as the car door opened I grabbed an armful of supplies and hurried to set up for the weekend event that would start in thirty minutes. Thad was by my side and we quickly* set up the banners that were to be used as decorations and tried to involve the two kids (one was 5 one was 2) in helping us. Once people arrived Thad and I led them in song and then in a pictionary game. Any one familiar with the phrase "friendly vying?" oh yeah.

While craziness was going on inside the room, I saw someone walk past the door and my head buzzed. It was someone who I had known for...wow...6, maybe more years. But in this past year they had ceased to be a child. They were becoming my peer. My eyes met Afs', we nodded our silent agreement-things would be different.

that night my room (sarah, anisa, afs, and sahba) sat up talking, at 12:30 we decided we should go to sleep, at 1:30 we were still up. Perfect since service was needed again. I needed to go to someone else's cabin to be there for their kids while the parents went to the hospital, asthma attack. scary.

I felt so visible, I felt people were overly aware of my person. I walked through the dining hall and got stopped. I got thanked for things anyone would have done. I got hugs, I got tears. It was hard.

I cannot express everything that happened. The little girl who merely needed me as a shield to eating dinner with her hero. Dancing at devotions one morning after a moving night-- Realizing the process was the reason it had happened, so that I would have family in michigan. Having my heart flood with pride for the junior youth. Seeing Zach. The warmth I felt seeing Thad being a mentor. Anisa modeling for the children. The words, the looks, the promises. Lost eye glasses....not sunglasses. Trying to live each moment so that when i was gone I could take memories out and look at them. With everything we attempted to do, is it a surprise we had a crazed drive home with four dehydrated youth?



Eternity has nothing to do with the hereafter... This is it... If you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere. The experience of eternity right here and now is the function of life. Heaven is not the place to have the experience; here's the place to have the experience.
Joseph Campbell

and there i am. im in the zone. i am thinking of the right combination, my hair comes undone with my frustration and i run my hand over my mouth, forgetting the paint that is smeared on my fingers. my cheeks puff out, my feet tap, my left eyebrow always itches. the paintbrush is forgotten though still in hand, my palm, fingernails, and knuckles become so much more important in this game of me versus the paint. there is no ending until either i vanquish my dissatisfaction or it vanquishes me. it is not about being the artist. about being the painter, creator. it is about being the transformer. being changed by this painting. and in the end i am comforted.

Painting is an attempt to come to terms with life.
George Tooker.