the thing about love is...you cannot just say "i love you" once and expect it to stay put. you have to say it. and say it. and say it. because though the meaning may not, the words wear away.
so what do you do when the object of your affection cannot comphrend your words? if you are me. you panic. and search and rack your brain for a way that you can have those words stay with them forever. i wish i could write it on their heart so that when they grow hopeless or any form of sadness, their heart will glow with the knowledge of my love.
i become irrational. i think of where i could hide a note he would find when he was mature enough to understand those three simple yet complex words. how could he know i didn't abandon him? how can he know that he is with me always?
it was my love that cradled him for eleven hours, for eight days. my love that hydrated him, helped his fever down, rushed him to the doctor. it was my love that embraced him that first time he was sick. and he will not remember. he will never know.
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Art is the thrilling spark that beats death - thats all. -Brett Whiteley
3 comments:
my face is wet.
This is so beautiful. It is heartbreaking and beautiful. Maybe somewhere in his spiritual memory he will know. In the next world he will know. The writings tell us that we can not know the effect of the smallest act of kindness but that it is very, very much greater than we can know. I love him too. In so brief a time, I came to love him too. I know all the more so for you then.
i think he will recognize you. Someday. Or... in a plane of existence with no time or space, rather. Sometimes it seems like that is a long time to wait. But your love won't burn out in so short a span of time. It's amazing the attachment you can feel for someone else's child. The sadness of seperation. The pain of knowing they won't remember you the way you remember them. I've felt it, though not the way you do this time. Love.
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