Explanation

What is it that is defitionaly categorized as guilt or blame
In those moments that are snowballing into hours and days
I crave no explanation as my soul seems to cradle the situation
for the mystery of what it is
Only afterwards does my overly analytical self seek absolution
from actions my senses are almost positive are not crimes
and yet those analyzing warps of time like to trace over the
many lines of so many different paths that entered the realm of my possibilities
and I fall into bed with a mind running around in confusion
this is however, everything you are afraid to ask for
no dress-up or practicing of parts needed
no assembly required only a natural sense of being
A glaringly obvious parallel situation to another
I will continue to build up the sand castles knowing full well
their fragile state and not worry about the mess

Guess what guess what guess what!!!

Melon learned how to drive a stick shift!!
It was crazy fun...my new friend jon taught me on his car. how brave! After my first classes we are going back out to practice, this time in a bigger parking lot. I'm excited! Everyone else...you have been warned...

I'm falling faster than I ever remember having before
can't help to think how foolish since I don't know what I'm landing on.
Momentarily wish for the familiar childhood phrase "falling into cotton candy"
to once again be reality
And I think of my childhood and every moment leading up to right now
there are mistakes I have made that lay heavy around me like chains
Though words say "Let no excessive self criticism or any feelings of inadequacy,
inability or experience hinder you or cause you to be afraid." I drown in the weight of my deeds
Others seemingly have no qualms reminding me to wear these chains of pain
What we view as practical seems silly and constrained to me
I dream of transporting myself to an age where jolly ranchers make dreams come true
But in my actuality of being, I instead make wishes on bent pop tops and hard to open film canisters
I get nervous, flustered, discouraged and find a right to feel this in actions that now lie rotting
in forgotten fields
My mind reels at the statement I am refusing to make with my hiccuping words
For a battle that has barely started my body feels unjustly worn and frayed
Quick heart! Fight for yourself and I and wonder where we will land

so what if im a girl?

Sew up your lips,
I'm coming around the corner
Play the man everyone falls into trust with
Be the friend who never fails to say hello
who holds your hand after a bad day
warn me who is about to hurt me for all the wrong reasons
tell me you would never have me decorate your apartment
waste over a year of my time
sailing on a ship built with rotting lies
And then it all rips up
I'm not the girl who puts herself on that shelf
Should have known sooner
Listened to my list of stereotypes
You could've fought harder
to be a man worth knowing
Couldn't you have tried harder
to live up to the words you spoke?
And I feel just a little too numb
the question floats to my mind
what does my gender have to do with simply being a friend?

tagged by my brotha

SEVEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME.

1. I met one of my oldest dearest friends at my brothers baseball game...she had My Little Pony ponies...so I had to join in...
   
2. I have a weird puffy scar on my knee I got when I was three or four. I got it at the park after running around in circles after a dog.
   
3. By August 12th I will have moved five times in twelve and a half months.
4. I am known at several coffee shops as that girl that gets a medium sized chai. can you think of a better claim to no where near fame??
   
5. I made a pact towards the end of my freshmen year with my four closest friends that we would go to the island of nantucket for our senior spring break (we weren't interested in the drinking and such scene of most spring breaks, we wanted to do something meaningful ) We promised that even if we weren't friends anymore, we'd all end up there for that spring break...the next winter they were all still friends but I was not...senior year I graduated early...they did not. I do not know if they went to nantucket but i didn't have spring break....so I don't really know...
   
6. I ate too much honey dew melon at Louhelen Baha'i School so that I am now allergic to it. We only ate what was left in the fridge from the sessions and the chef went on a throwing all food out kick so we only had fruit for a while. I ate an entire honey dew melon for dinner one night. My throat gets extremely scratchy when I eat it now and the feeling lasts for the next day or two.
   
7. I have written songs about bathrooms, brushing hair, pasta, coffee, writing songs, israel, among other things...
   

octopus

i was driving along and a truck pulled in front of me. not just any truck, but a cement truck. he started spraying black smoke into the air and immediately i saw the likeness of an octopus. so of course, i felt like a Morre eel trying to hunt the octopus, but the octopus was trying to get away!!


the octopus won.



oh animal planet, how you pervade my life...

Carving

Summing up a full circle
Means breaking it into sectors
And as I struggle to break apart my service
To describe how I have grown
A few choice moments, phrases, colors and actions
Come undone, transforming into clarity.
"A wide latitude for action must be allowed them,
which means that a large margin for mistakes must also be allowed."
After these words shoot through my mind
I am transported from a destitute city
To a college town rich in something I am unsure of

All the while I am carving
Mindfully carving
who I am, what I will decide to be
and the path I will tread to get there.

I am taken, and I melt into a new family
Where the arts are used to show my potential
And I am revived for this next phase of my journey
My singing is resusictated, echoed in the voice of a child
And as I beg for more to be laid on my plate
I receive looks of incredulity, as they already know of my belongings,
5 circles, 2 classes, prayers and talks beside fire

All the while I am carving,
Mindfully carving,
Who I am, what I will decide to be
And the path I am trying to read to get there

While attempting to persuade others I always need to be in motion
I become stagnant with a cracked bone
New parts of myself are built up as I find I need to ask for help, chauffeurs,
Overcome with inactivity I realize this is just another lesson, and a blessing
That the Almighty has placed in my hands to mold as I will
And as the jewled words say
"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be we're all okay, and not to worry
cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these. I won't be made useless,
wont be idle with despair, I will gather myself around my faith, light the darkness most fear."
I drive into a new home

All the while I am carving,
Mindfully carving
Who I am, what I will decide to be
And the path I am endlessly walking

I my new space there is a battle between ego and sense of service
Others judge and from the look on their face and waning interest
It is clear--what mark could I leave with my simple service?
I almost give in but a friend's words echo the truth
"A woman had a near death experience...went to the Abha Kingdom,
Baha'u'llah asked her what she thought her most important service had ever been.
No pause was needed as she stated her teaching trip across Central America.
Baha'u'allah smiled and asked if she remembered when she helped at a summer event
for autistic children. That that day, when she spoke so kindly to that boy, it was the first time
anyone had been sincerely kind to him. It had touched his soul. That was her greatest service."
I am reminded these ten months are between God and me.
It's a perfect day to be interuppted from thought at Caribou Coffee to be told I'm an
angel,
It's a perfect winter morning to be stopped in my tracks by a woman begging to talk
with me.
It's an extraordinary afternoon to be cut off while reading to be questioned about
my faith.
It's an ideal evening to be stopped because of the language that I speak.

All the while I am carving
Mindfully carving
Who I am, what I will decide to be
And the path I have formed

I look at my hands that have handled all these tests and bounties
And I place the sectors back together but they form a different circle than before
They proudly speak of detachment, perspective, new arenas of paitience,
and the stories of those that touched my heart, and those that I touched in turn
though the latter remian a mystery for the sake of my mind
I understand every moment better than I was scared to think I would
And I look back at my full circle with only love in my heart
"For, as the body of man depends for life upon the rays of the sun,
so cannot the celestial virtues grow in the soul without the raidiance of the Sun of Truth."

And all this while I've been carving,
And I offer you my heart thus far...